That was my only sentence on my facebook post the day my dad died. I had no words. I had nothing to say.It’s been over three weeks now and Christmas has passed and New Years is this weekend and I’ve gone from numb, to sad, to scared, to sick. I know everyone goes through this, but I haven’t yet and it feels like I’m the only one who has. I just can’t believe he’ll never come home again. It’s been a rough few months because he fell two months before he died. We thought he was going to get better, but he would be ok, then bad, then a surgery, then ok, then bad. The roller coaster has had me exhausted and currently I’m finding it difficult to get out of bed.
He was truly an original. We had a difficult time in he beginning of my move here, but we came into our new situation and appreciated our relationship. We laughed a lot. He was so funny, and for the first time in my life I knew that my dad saw me for the funny, confident, talented person that I always hoped he would get to know. I have many many flaws, but, in the end, he saw only the good in me. He appreciated me and I loved our little family unit.
He’s gone now. I’m still in his home and it’s truly unbearable. This entire house is him. When my daughters father died, I left a month later and it still took me 7 years to even come close to healing. I feel in limbo, and like I just can’t begin to heal until I leave here. Port Townsend is beautiful, but lonely. I have yet to find my tribe and can’t wait to get back to Henderson, Nevada. I know it was my dads wish that I stay here in his home, but I just can’t. This was his home, his dream. I was here for the last year and a half of his life, but it’s time for me to start my life again.
Wish me luck. Another new beginning. My mini gypsy and me go off again, maybe finally, to find the happiness I so deserve.
RIP James Hurley Martin. Until we meet again, I know you’ll be here with me and I want to thank you for everything you have been for me. I love you so much and I’ll miss you until the end of my days.