My Seven Years of Mistakes

via Daily Prompt: Mistake

What a loaded word.  I’m going to write about the first mistake that comes to mind.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and actually logged in today to write about it.  It’s been very very heavy on my mind, in fact.  It’s a complicated issue and it’s hard to determine where the “mistake” first occurred.  The end result, however, has been loss.  Mostly, the loss of friends and family.  Not via death, thank God, but they have given up on me and deleted me from their lives.  It’s my fault.  This I know, I take full responsibility.  I’ve been very angry, selfish and demanding more so in the last 7 years.

If I’m to think about my anger issues, my depression, my anxiety, my neediness it stems from my bi-polar disorder that reared it’s ugly head when my daughters father died.  I can’t call him the mistake because we created a beautiful daughter together.  He died of a heroin overdose and what he put me through prior to his death was nothing short of horrible, but his death came with a sledgehammer that hit me so hard over the head, I’m not sure I’ve gotten up yet.  I’m so damaged and I’ve worked so hard to make myself better.  A better friend, a better daughter, a better mother.  It seems as though just when I make some progress another event takes me down again.  All of these are excuses though.  I mean, don’t we all have life issues that take us down from time to time?  That doesn’t give us the right to talk to friends badly, react badly, be so quick to anger, and then act out because of that anger.  It takes a second for me to reach a level of rage.  Some days are better than others, but overall, especially in this moment, I’m not a reasonable person.

So, I guess, my “mistake” is not being able to figure out how to control myself.  I miss my friends so much.  I never meant to lose them, any of them.  I never meant to make my brother and his whole family hate me.  I never meant to feel so alone.  I made a big mistake…lots of them, lots of times, with lots of people, and I am so sorry.  I wish I could take it all back, but what’s done is done.  I cry as I write this.  I hope in my heart that I get better.  I pray everyday that I get better.  I pray for forgiveness and I pray for help.  memory lane 023

 

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