Punk, Paul, and Perpetual Sadness

It’s that time of the month you know, or you don’t unless you are a woman.  But you know, we get melancholy, damn right depressed, irritable, emotional and everything on God’s green earth makes us cry.  I swear as we get older every symptom gets worse.  I’ve had so much to say on here about so many things, but they change in an instant so the last one is less important than the next.  My life is been a little more than difficult, but it’s actually been getting easier, with my dad and the dementia and all.

Tonight I just wanted to lay in bed and watch movies all night.  I watched an emotional one, I watched a scary one…both made me cry, but then I ordered one that was with Ethan Hawke and had to do with the punk scene in New York.  Having lived in New York I was intrigued and pressed “buy”.

I had my moments with punk rock, but to be honest it wasn’t my scene.  But, it made me think of Paul, and then suddenly this kid overdoses and the next scene happened to be soundtracked with one of Pauls favorite songs and on St Marks in NYC which is where he went to score when I took him to New York.  The three or four combined was more than I could take.  But this happens, right?  You never know when these moments will come and take your breath away.  Just when you think you’re ok.  Unless you’ve lost that kind of loss, it’s hard to understand.

So, I’m here in Washington now.  A beautiful tourist town.  I am what they call these days a part of the “sandwich generation”.  In other words I am taking care of my small daughter AND my ailing father.  Life just keeps getting better for me, eh?  I’m not talking to many of my family or friends, because quite frankly they have no understanding in their hearts.  But that’s fine.  I don’t expect anything from anyone.  I will survive this too, just as I have everything else.  My main goal is making my daughter ok in this crazy, fucked up world.

I have so muck to say, but I haven’t been able to write.  My brain is foggy from the drugs, I have sever long term hives and I am livng my life for two people, neither of which is me.

On a good note, I’m alive!

Carry one and take care.


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