Some Would Say My Life Was Sad, But I Lived It Anyway.

I had an interesting dinner party once while living in Los Angeles.  To preface I will explain the importance of the band Candlebox to my life.  Back in San Francisco I ran for a couple of years with two guys (I later ended up moving to NYC with the two of them).  We were the Three Musketeers.  We were inseparable.  Chris pretty much lived at my house or Dan’s and Dan and I were dating.  We did everything together and my life was complete with them in it.  Dan had a Nissan Integra that he souped up.  It was low, loud and fast with a booming sound system that we never had turned down.  The main CD that was in the system?  Candlebox.  It just constantly ran and we considered it our band.  I have so many fun, sad, lovely, hot, sexy, amazing memories to that soundtrack.

Back to the dinner party.  I was invited to the home of someone I had met in a class we were both forced to take.  He was a writer and lived in the Hollywood hills and we became good friends.  I went to the dinner party and there were about eight nice looking people in attendance.  As per usual, the conversation turned to “what do you do?”  There was a guy sitting across from me with short hair and glasses and he proclaimed to be a singer in a band.  I asked, “Oh, what band?” to which he replied quite complacently, “Kevin Martin and The High Watts”.  I had never heard of them, but my friend, David insisted on putting in his latest CD, much to the angst of Kevin.  As I sat listening with intent to the music I was amazed at what I heard.  I looked at the guy across from me and said, “Wow, you sound just like the lead singer from Candlebox”.  He said, “That’s because I am”.  I don’t think I could disguise my gaping mouth.  I wasn’t sure how to handle this because…it’s CANDLEBOX.  I had so many questions.  The main one being about the song “You”.  I needed to know why that song was written, who was he saying “Fuck You” to?  It was about his parents.  That was it.  Simple.

I will never forget that dinner party.  I will never forget Candlebox.  As years have gone by and so many sad things have occurred in my life, I have repeated those words in my head, “Some say your life was sad, but you lived it anyway”.  Sadly, I connect with that more than ever.  There are times I have not wanted to live this life anymore, but, I have no choice, so I live it anyway.  I think it really started with Pauls death, his drug use before that, two difficult moves, my mom getting stage 3b lung cancer, my dad getting Altimeters,  the decline of my business and financial situation creating so much stress struggling to survive and take care of my daughter.  It’s been almost 6 years since his death.  People say get over it, but what they don’t understand is that you never really get over it.  It does get easier, but the devastation he left behind is felt every single day.  He left us with no money, so social security, no death benefits, no insurance pay outs, so I handle the raising of his daughter 100% on my own, with no help.  Then there is the fact that my daughter lost her father. That is a loss that I can’t comprehend, and it will always break my heart.  As she grows older and father/daughter dances come and go, and one day, who will walk her down the aisle.  She wants a daddy so bad, when she was smaller she would call any male that walked into our home “daddy”.  So, no, it’s never going to be over.  It will always be sad.  But I live it anyway.  I have to, for her.

So, thank you Kevin Martin, for those words, I don’t feel so alone.  And thank you David, for that wonderful dinner of stew, wine and great company.


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