Thoughts on Navigating in a Crazy F-up’d World

I’ve come down with hives in the last six months.  They are constant, they are painful and they are getting worse.  I’ve seen many doctors, tried every cream, steroid, diet change, allergy pill and medication change.  Worse.  I have to wonder why, on top of everything else, why?  Stress?  Premenopausal?  I’m just not sure and the only thing that gives me any relief is ice packs.

I started a blog on another site a while ago in the hopes to give hope to other single moms who have lost the father of their child (children), and just stopped writing when I realized that I had exhausted all sources and that there really was no help out there.  There are the usual avenues, state aid, food banks, panhandling and prostitution (kidding), but the truth is, everyone has their own problems and don’t want to hear about yours.  No matter how sad.  Boo Hoo.  That’s it.  You have to pick yourself up and figure it out.  Be strong.  Be wise.  Be smart.  Be EVERYTHING.  If you are lucky enough to have family and or friends that can lend a hand then get off my page.  This is for the ones who do it every month, every week, every day, ON THEIR OWN.  Do I sound bitter.  I am, today.  And I have every right.  When Paul died, there was no death benefits, social security, pension, nothing.  He never made any money from skating or surfing and he painted housed when he wasn’t using.  He worked a total of 2 years and social security basically kicked me out of their office laughing.

When I was the age my daughter is now (8), my parents divorced and I was molested by neighbors.  Not one, not two, not three…I lost count.  I never told anyone because I didn’t know they were doing anything wrong.  I was looking for attention and they gave it to me.  I swore I would never let my daughter every be in that situation.  When her father died I scooped her up and haven’t let her go.  We sleep together, I am home every day, all day.  I don’t go out at night, I don’t have boyfriends.  I dont’ trust anyone.  I run a business from my home now so I can take care of her, be home and still bring in the income on my own.  Well, business SUCKS.  I am 50 years old, have done one thing for 25 years (aside from bartending and dancing…to old for that now!) and that’s make jewelry.  I put my everything into this business.  I fight through the depression, anxiety, economy and have always, somehow, made it work.  It’s not working.  Everyone says, “why don’t you go get a job?”  Shut up.  Seriously, shut up.  Are you going to care for my child while I stand on my feet all day in retail?  Are you going to pay my bills while I work behind a counter or desk for less than 10.00 an hour?  Then, shut up.

So, now, hives.  Thank you.  Guess I’m not navigating well.  Today.  But, hold on, because something always happens.  I usually think my way out of any given situation or get lucky with a big order, mothers day is on it’s way after all.  So, stay tuned.  In 13 days my daughter and I will be locked out of our house with the lights and internet off, or something amazing will happen.


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