On Being a “Widow”

I just transferred my story of my daughters fathers death from my facebook notes onto this blog.  I hope to follow up that story with the days and weeks that followed that dreadful day, I just have to work up the courage to relive those moments and try to remember them the best I can because so much of it is a blur.

Meanwhile, I had something happen (yet again) last night that unless you have lost the person who is 50% responsible for your child with you, and your child (children) have lost a parent at a very young age, you can’t possibly fully grasp.  I am going to speak on this in the hopes that none of you will ever be so cruel or crass or unfeeling to EVER say this to a widow.  I am going to call myself a widow at this point because it’s just easier than saying “someone who lost the father of their child).  No, Paul and I never married, we were engaged and planning our wedding at one point until the drug abuse got in the way.  We had split up about a month or so prior to his passing.  I’m still going to say widow because it’s easier for writing purposes.

Last night a “best friend” angrily spouted off to me that she was tired of me using the “single mom” card.  As I go over the conversation, I can’t remember saying anything about that, but that is besides the point.  She is a single mom too, and I know her ex is a deadbeat dad in that he doesn’t pay child support.  He does, however, take her every other weekend, buys her things, pays for her food while she is there, goes to her events, games, etc.  He is a “hands on” dad.  Her words to me were, “I know you deal with shit.  But the fact is we all do!!!  I’m going from 6:30 – 11:00 everyday handling my shit alone so I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the over load card.  Or the single mom card.  My daughters father is alive so therefore I have shit to deal with from him too.  Including not getting any financial support from him or the state or anyone!!!”

I took that from her text, word for word.  Now, I get that she is under a great deal of pressure and I am proud of everything she is doing.  This argument started over the fact that I took a little too long to repair a couple of bracelets for her yoga instructor than was acceptable to her.  I get it, but why this rant went off in the angry manner it did was lost on me.  I will say, her mom is here, her sister is here and picks her daughter up from school every day and watches her until she gets off of work, her brother is here.  I certainly don’t want to compare stories, but I’m also not the one who went off on her via text.  The truth is I don’t think she really understands, truly, what “alone” is.  I have no parents here, siblings, ex husband.  It is just me.  A.L.O.N.E.  And, I understand that she has to deal with her ex husbands “shit”.  But if Paul were alive, I would probably complain too.  But do you know who wouldn’t complain?  MY FUCKING DAUGHTER.  And THAT, friends, is where MY anger lies.  My daughter has lost her father, you unfeeling FUCK!  It’s not just about me.  My daughter will never know the way he used to lovingly look into her eyes.  She will never see him in an audience during a play, she will never hear him say he loves her, she will never feel his arms around her.  So the next asshole who tells me they have to deal with their ex, and I’m LUCKY I don’t, I swear I’m going to slap the shit out of them.

Rant done.  Have a great day people.  Love one another.  Give a widow a hug.

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